


Moving On

by infptwriter



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: 2nd year kenma, 3rd year kuroo, Angst, M/M, Unrequited Love, anxiety thoughts mentioned, kozume kenma centered, no happy ending, panic attack mentioned but only vaguely described, post time skip mentioned but i don't even hint what they're up to so it's spoiler free don't worry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-02
Updated: 2020-06-02
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:00:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24500446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/infptwriter/pseuds/infptwriter
Summary: Even though Kuroo had been a shy boy in the beginning, Kenma knew since day one that he belonged in the spotlight.Kenma is quite the opposite.Perhaps, that's why Kenma falls for him.
Relationships: Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou
Comments: 3
Kudos: 32





	Moving On

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Time for angst kuroken cuz why not?  
> Thank you for the beautiful haikyuu server for inspiring me <3  
> This was not beta read! Excuse any mistakes from this non-native English speaker, would you?
> 
> This fic was VAGUELY based on the song moving on by kodaline, though VAGUELY okay?  
> Anyways, enjoy!

Even though Kuroo had been a shy boy in the beginning, Kenma knew since day one that he belonged in the spotlight. He wasn’t much confident, and he struggled with it a bit, but as he grew and he learned how to be the person he _could_ become, Kuroo became everything Kenma expected him to be. The big star, surrounded by light and being watched by many, many people, all of them cheering on him.

Kenma is quite the opposite. He hates being the center of attention, and he hates when people notice him, talk to him, _try to make him talk back_. He prefers his video games and sometimes a lame tv show so he has a different routine, though playing is his favorite and only hobby. Until Kuroo comes and introduces him to volleyball. Until he plays volleyball because Kuroo asks him to do so.

 _A star_ , he reminds himself. If Kuroo had to be a star, he could easily be the sun. Everyone orbits around him, and it’s no surprise he becomes captain of the volleyball club during his last year of high school. He deserves it, after so much work he has put into this club, after so much they have gone through to get here. He’s a natural leader as well, because how could the sun not be when everyone is stuck on his orbit around him?

Vice-captain is something unexpected to Kenma. Perhaps Kuroo trusts him too much. He doesn’t see himself as a very analytical person – outside of video games anyway – and he doesn’t think he could be a good leader if necessary. He doesn’t like interacting that much, and he doesn’t understand how emotions work, especially for himself, so how could he understand for others? Besides all of that, Kenma is not considered nice, since he’s blunt and honest, and people have mentioned many times he’s kind of _rude_.

Kuroo had dismissed this opinion as soon as Kenma brought it up. He called it _unwanted, stupid and wrong opinion from a dumbass. Why should you care?_

He’s right, Kenma knows. But the knots that settle on his stomach tells him otherwise. He doesn’t know how to deal with the pressure of being vice-captain on the volleyball club on Nekoma High School and he doesn’t know how to deal with himself in general. Because Kenma is anxious, he isn’t very social, and he has feelings he isn’t proud of owning. The ones you wouldn’t normally reveal to your crush because of the precious friendship you have built.

Confessing to Kuroo is a reality that will never come true, he decides.

Kenma knows better than anyone how not to talk about his feelings, about how upset, sad or bothered he might be. So, he usually doesn’t, not unless it’s Kuroo. But how could he tell him he feels like this because of him? He can’t. It makes him trip over his own anxiety and fall into a deeper hole of anxiousness, fear and sadness he cannot deal with.

So, he decides that avoiding Kuroo and these feelings might be his only solution.

.

It’s easier said than done, though. Kuroo and Kenma had been glued by the hip since they met, because Kuroo is _that_ annoying and Kenma got stuck on his orbit, so it’s only natural he feels more anxious to be around him. Ever since he realized his feelings for his best friend ran deeper than only common and pure friendship feelings, he has been feeling on the edge anytime they’re alone together. It’s like the confession hangs on the tip of his tongue, but he holds it with such force he didn’t know he had, with a fear of ruining things.

Kuroo slowly catches up to Kenma’s strange behavior.

Of course, Kenma _seems_ normal to anyone else’s eyes, the usual impassive, video game dedicated person that Kenma he is. But Kuroo has known him for far too long to see the signs when they’re alone. The fidgeting when he’s playing, how he keeps losing rounds Kuroo _knows_ he shouldn’t be losing, or how Kenma seems to avoid eye contact more often. Alone inside their houses, Kuroo is touchier with Kenma, hugging him, asking for cuddles as his best friend plays his games or arms brushing when they’re ‘studying’. Kenma has never shied away from his touch until recently. Not immediately, not so violent he would get shocked, but slowly, finding excuses to break off the moment and turn back into something else.

“You seem weird,” Kuroo says as he lays on Kenma’s bed, a chemistry textbook on his hands. He hasn’t been paying attention on what he’s reading for a while now. “Like, uh. I don’t know, like something happened and our friendship shifted or changed, and I don’t even know why.”

Kenma stops pressing the buttons of his PSP for a second, but then he’s back at it like it didn’t even bother him. “You’re overthinking,” he mutters, eyes glued to the screen. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Kuroo yawns and shrugs. “Maybe I’m getting weird because it’s my last year, I dunno. These tests might be melting my brain, ack!”

Kenma hums and doesn’t reply. Kuroo didn’t expect one anyway, and he keeps reading the textbook for his next test. Kenma loses that round of the games, as well as all the other ones he plays afterwards. Kuroo doesn’t notice because he’s reading and murmuring notes to himself. Kenma feels far away, like he isn’t even in his own body anymore.

Detached.

 _He has noticed,_ he thinks with sorrow, and decides this won’t happen again.

.

It’s a hard promise to keep, but Kenma manages. Kuroo mentions girls confessing to him more and more lately, and he laughs, saying he’s going to consider a few. Kenma’s heart skip several beats but he ignores it, only humming at Kuroo as an answer. He doesn’t trust his own voice to say anything at the moment. He would rather not open his mouth to spill out his nonsense and feelings for Kuroo.

Kuroo drops the whole _weird thing going on_ subject after that day and they move on from this. Kenma does his best to act normal, and he notices Kuroo seems happier that he was wrong about their ‘change’. Kenma doesn’t have the heart to tell him the truth, or the guts, because confessing could ruin everything, could destroy the only relationship he will ever have for the rest of his life.

He thinks how his heart aches on his chest every time Kuroo interacts with a girl, how his hand itches to hold his hand, how he wants to share things with him for no reason, or how he has the urge sometimes to mess his hair and kiss his lips softly.

It’s a change in his life, crushing so hard on someone it makes him have difficulty to breathe. He tries not to overthink this, but it’s hard to do so when Kuroo occupies his mind all the time, even when he’s playing video games or volleyball. Somehow, everything reminds him of Kuroo, and he feels the urge to text him, to call him, to tell him the tiny details that make him think of Kuroo as someone special.

 _I can’t_ , he reminds himself.

The ache is constant.

.

The first time Kenma cries – after a considerable really long time – is the day Kuroo tells him he might be falling for one of the girls who confessed to him. He only hums softly while Kuroo tells him the story, and he pretends to be interested and uninterested at the same time. He lets Kuroo talk, ask questions when he feels like necessary and make Kuroo smiles when he agrees to meet her anytime because _I value your opinion, Kenma, and you’re a great judge of character_.

Kenma hates himself for already hating her, for having what Kenma will never have.

That night, when he gets home, is the first night he doesn’t play video games in years. He sits on his bed for a really long time, skips dinner with an excuse and when everyone has headed to bed, he cries. Crying feels foreign to Kenma and his heart, and his chest clenches so hard he forgets how to breathe. He chokes on his sobs, it’s like his lungs have stopped working and his head feels dizzy, clouded and foggy. It takes him several moments to come back to the real world, to lessen the pain on his chest, to realize how exhausted he is, to _breathe_ again and that’s when he realizes how unhealthy this is for him.

He can’t allow himself to be destroyed by such feelings. 

He loves Kuroo too much, and he needs to let him go.

.

Kuroo’s future is brilliant, like Kenma had always known. He gets things done amazingly, especially when he sets his mind on it, and Kenma is proud. Kuroo has a girlfriend and seem to be quite happy with her. They talk about moving in together during next year, talk about future plans that Kenma feels jealous of because he’s not a part of future plans anymore, he’ll never share these kinds of future plans with Kuroo. He buries those feelings quickly, just like he has gotten used to doing. 

He watches from afar. He’s still Kuroo’s best friend and that could never change, but Kenma keeps his distance. _You’re in college_ , was excuse one. _We have different schedules now_ , was excuse two. _We grew up,_ was excuse – or rather, the harsh truth – three. After that, things were left like this, and they keep in touch as much as possible. But Kuroo moved on.

Kenma moved on too, somehow, on his own way. 

Kuroo will always be his love. The only one who can make him feel like this. He knows there will never be anyone like Kuroo in his life, and he’s fine with it. He’s at peace with the fact that Kuroo and Kenma will never be in a romantic relationship.

Grieving is forever, though. But Kenma can live with that if it means making Kuroo happy. He will, then, do it so.

**Author's Note:**

> Ahhh, thank you for reading!  
> I was thinking of adding a part two where Kuroo confesses at some point in the future, but maybe i'll make another fic and let this one be pure angst.  
> Lemme know your thoughts! Comments and kudos are always appreciated <3
> 
> (after i'm done with my twitter break, yell at me at @owlhashira. might take a week to reply tho lol)


End file.
